Hello Amazing!

Something new.

The past few weeks have been filled with dramatic change in the landscape of my life. From a bike ride to Target, a macadamia nut Clif bar when I got hungary, and endless phone calls to my siblings and friends for advice on where to take my life. I didn't know much of what I was doing, but I was pretty anxious about everything. I didn't feel very comfortable where I was living, afraid of making a mistake. Nervous about college tuition costs at Western, and add on top of that a menial job and new found expenses pulling from my savings. Tie that in with years of past baggage that penetrates my every thought. All it took was a phone call from my dad to make me feel obligated to drive to California and help him with some business stuff. Being back home really heightened my anxiety and fears. It reminded me of how much I try to please them, and how different our visions of the world are- even though I wish to escape these feeling, it's something so learned. It took Patty telling me my dad was not going to sign my Western residency petition to realize that I had given them too much power to put a hold on my path to become me. I was passive at the time, but the anger began to build, and to this day I'm still so frustrated that they would be so unwilling to respect their child's agency, even as to intentionally block it. It felt so unfair. I wasn't asking them for much, yet I ran to them when they asked of my help for anything. It was a double standard that I didn't see, but was reminded of every evening as my thoughts told me I wasn't in control of anything. I hope to let go of this anger, because it serves me none. I don't have to prove myself to anyone. I need to gain more experience with that. Let's just say, now i'm in a much better place, with much more work ahead of me. I'm just grateful for people- who care about others unconditionally. Enough to give them safety, comfort, and a place to learn a grow. What a gift.