Setting sail. Thirty one hours to Idaho Falls.

Intro:
Murrieta to have dinner w/ moon / Gave me netbook / Leslie lets me borrow her ipod / Kim and Pete and Rhonda all offer me a jacket / Austin brings me his Iraq backpack for my trip / Go to Dianas and she gave me a pillow and blanket / Drive to Temecula to buy ticket / Greyhound closed / Nervous / Garret's house watch movie and hang out with his family / The same / Diabetes donuts / Home / Pack & Office w/ no sleep / Work the next day- sleeping on the floor / "he's a strange one" / The girls saying nice things / Claudia and Leslie pack my bag / Markie said I should have asked her for her help to pack / Say goodbye / Pete and Rhonda hug / Claudia buys me new comfy shoes (amazzzzing) / Get to San Diego and am told bus is sold out / bus to LA / writing essay for Vargas / Border patrol man pulls over bus and checks documents but doesn't ask me / LA / McDonalds / Kid from Louisiana - grunge and guitar traveling just to move / Vegas / Provo 34 y.o. kid tells me stories - about cats and his family / Not really hungry the whole day / Provo mountains / Thoughts the whole day about things / Mexican girl - escaping mom - hair school - SLC bus station / Sleep / My mind gets heavier- the things that I think I know are solidifying / Reading On The Road / Free thoughts / Lady boards in Pocatello with cats / Tip bus driver / Mom, Cody, Cathy pick me up / Home made dinner / Easton and Cassandra / Presents / Warm inside / Mom cried over ring / Cody will do great / goodnight.

You don't know.

I'm coming to the realization that you really don't know what anything is like until you're in it, around it, or have experienced it. I tend to have this impulse to tell myself that I know how something will turn out: based on assumptions, past experiences, my infinite wisdom, etc. But the reality of life it does not exist until you are in it. Yet I continue to tell myself otherwise. Learning to begin living in the present moment (where life actually takes place) vs. living in my mind; where things are twisted and morphed into something different will be a challenge- but a skill that the quality of my existence depends on.

I don't want him to let you go

I don't want to be a proud man, I just wanna be a man.
a little less like my father and more like my dad.

I want to want to hunt like David.
I want to kill me a giant man.
I want to slay my demons.
But I got lots of them, I got lots of them.

My Best Possible Future

The Best Possible Future.

I travel a ton.

I become very healthy, lose weight, and less concerned about my appearance (the parts I cannot change about it).

I meet a ton of different people and make a lot of valuable, unique, and great friendships.

I learn to let go of fear and peruse things i'm interested in.

I seek adventure.

I really learn what I stand for, who I am and what I have to offer to this world.

I find love (if only for a short time at first) and experience what it is like to enjoy another person.

I eventually have a partner.

I commit myself to great work that I feel is helping others directly and making the world a better place.

I break my negative thinking and resist impulses to give up, and cave into addiction.

I gain an objective understanding of things.

I get a grip on my philosophical beliefs.

I learn discipline, academically, and just a general commitment to grow everyday.

I learn what it truly means to be grateful.

I inspire others to be their greatest self.

I greatly reduce how much I procrastinate.

In my best possible future, I live life fully engaged, with a compassion for myself and others.

I just want to grow.

These are real thoughts

Update to previous post:

I don't want to do my homework until i've had a haircut.

Irrational

Irrational #1:

I don't like doing my homework until i've worked out. But when I get home from working out, I don't like doing my homework until i've gotten a full nights rest.

Jonah Mowry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRXjqpfOnS0;

This video has put things in perspective recently. I made my own video like Jonah's- but i've decided I don't want to focus on my fears but rather on the inspiration to stay strong like Jonah did. He has experienced great pain- that I relate too so closely. A pain that can often be debilitating. I want to have the courage to learn from this young boy.

The games are ending.

Searching for the motivation to push through my remaining commitments to school.

Philosophy made by Matthew & Allison

Humanity isn't designed to function individually.
You need happiness. Happiness is in a way ignorance. It's hope. (that's what you're missing). You need a blind faith in humanity and in yourself.
Things can work out.
Reality is not beautiful or perfect. In fact, reality sucks.
You need suck-iness to appreciate the good.
You need friends and family along the way to tell you you're acting/thinking stupid.

Task: write down a list about what you love about yourself, values, steps you're taken, your hopes...

Don't just sit and watch.