Hello

Just got off of a very agressive telephone conversation with Cassandra. She is pretty passionate about everything and not afraid to say anything that comes to her mind. I can definitely learn from her- seeing how i'm practically the opposite.

My class already loves you

Funny how I am my past- yet trying so desperately not to be. Allison came over tonight and interviewed me for a class project. Delving into my past reminds me how those experiences are all within arms reach. I'm glad I can be so honest and vulnerable with her. I need friends to make it through all of this- I always have.

Everyone in our lives is a mirror.

The refiner's fire.

Juice

Today begins my 60 day fast. Just drinking juice (the good kind). It's going to be harder than I can imagine- but it must be done for health. This is what I want! I must find the discipline, because in the words of Robert Francis . . . "if not now- when".

Simple Things

Janet called me today and asked me if I could pick up her daughter from work because she had her car towed. I told her absolutely. She said she would pay me $25 because I would have to go all the way down the 215 and back to Murrieta. I started to tell her that I wouldn't accept payment and she did the whole "no, I need to pay you". I replied "I know you would do anything for me If I called and asked you. When I need help I would want to feel comfortable calling you. We all need a little help sometimes." She was crying- saying she doesn't ask people for help ever". It was a special experience. I felt sympathy for a mother in a place of such vulnerability- i'm glad that I can be a person she could call and ask for help. It took a lot for her to do that, but I couldn't be more willing. We all need to learn to put those walls down- the ones that keep us from doing what we need to do.

People in our individualistic culture (including myself at times) feel they have to figure everything out for themselves- otherwise they are a failure. The truth is that we all need a little help, and we have to be there for each-other. It makes the world a better place, a more comfortable one, where fears don't penetrate our every thought.

This explains everything you need to know.

I get so caught up in "school". I get anxiety that my performance determines character, and my entire future success. Sounds silly- but God how true it is. I want my research paper to be a Greyhound bus and a camera- is it that crazy of a request.

We'll see.

Glimpse

It takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself warm.

A cold room

Tonight I looked at school with an honest eye instead of waiting for it to attack me like some sort of gnarly monster. It was an interesting feeling when my brain kicked in, realizing that I have been in control this whole time of this realatively simple task. My mind realizes that It is only in my hands that I can shape a relationship with my education. But I havn't been quite ready it seems. I've played around with the ideas that it has been fear of inadequecy- or perhaps I am just not very interested in being a hyper organized college student right now. I'd rather be out, in the winds of the storm, the homes of the poor, looking at the waves of the sea, walking somewhere-- not really knowing where... just absorbing, observing, existing, understanding the essence of all this shit (or perhaps beauty) I just know that no matter how much I analyze all of this (I do every waking thought) through the lense of everything, survivalism, economics, phycology, history, the eyes of my teachers, my parents, my managers, my peers, my siblines- desperately drowning for an answer to it all while also understanding that the answer isn't what I want. I am new everyday- which means my thoughts change everyday. It's quite the eeire feeling when I have the ability to compare my thoughts of today with my thoughts of yesterday. It connects me in a way that complicates everything. I look at the me of yesterday and see the blindness that has been slightly repaired. And after days and days of this I can logically assume that I am blind today, even though I won't recognize it tomorrow. Fuck. It truly is skin wrenching. But, what can I do? I must surrender to the essence of the everyday. With all it's distortions, inadequecies, and upsets. Because one day the vision will be so clear, and I imagine It would be a waste of time trying to be this God figure all the time-- I obviously am not.

Distorted Reflections

Starting today, November 3rd, I am making an effort to avoid looking into my reflection. I've realized that I relate my physical appearance to my self-efficacy much too closely, and to a fault. I cannot change my appearance except for keeping clean hygene, eating right, and excersising (which I plan to do). This is an attempt to get makes my identity more wholsome and based on things that actually matter!

Good luck boyy.