A cold room

Tonight I looked at school with an honest eye instead of waiting for it to attack me like some sort of gnarly monster. It was an interesting feeling when my brain kicked in, realizing that I have been in control this whole time of this realatively simple task. My mind realizes that It is only in my hands that I can shape a relationship with my education. But I havn't been quite ready it seems. I've played around with the ideas that it has been fear of inadequecy- or perhaps I am just not very interested in being a hyper organized college student right now. I'd rather be out, in the winds of the storm, the homes of the poor, looking at the waves of the sea, walking somewhere-- not really knowing where... just absorbing, observing, existing, understanding the essence of all this shit (or perhaps beauty) I just know that no matter how much I analyze all of this (I do every waking thought) through the lense of everything, survivalism, economics, phycology, history, the eyes of my teachers, my parents, my managers, my peers, my siblines- desperately drowning for an answer to it all while also understanding that the answer isn't what I want. I am new everyday- which means my thoughts change everyday. It's quite the eeire feeling when I have the ability to compare my thoughts of today with my thoughts of yesterday. It connects me in a way that complicates everything. I look at the me of yesterday and see the blindness that has been slightly repaired. And after days and days of this I can logically assume that I am blind today, even though I won't recognize it tomorrow. Fuck. It truly is skin wrenching. But, what can I do? I must surrender to the essence of the everyday. With all it's distortions, inadequecies, and upsets. Because one day the vision will be so clear, and I imagine It would be a waste of time trying to be this God figure all the time-- I obviously am not.