Just A Little Boy

It's not fear right now. It's conflict. It's being a part of something that doesn't blend with what I am. It's the things that are represented that I do not wish to devote my energies to. That is the hardest part. Putting my strentgth in something that only steals my strength in no regard for me, but for themselves. I need to focus on me. Shape a life that focuses on what works for me, which then can be dedicated to others. As for now, it seems as if survival is the only option.

But it's hard. It really is. I get so upset over intetions. About the means or the process. The result in the end of it all isn't that hard and it makes sense why they are seeking such outcomes. But to me it is not what- but how. A world of intention. Is it truly only fantasy?

Get rid of ideas for now Matthew. Clear your head. Trust in what you know. Act. Be. You will be amazing, but you must begin now. Slowly, piece by piece. Let the voice of your soul actually be heard by your concious. Don't cast it out as childish, underdeveloped and immature. Trust it. It is only in the colision of the mind and body and spirit that harmony and purpose is obtained. Listen. Keep Listening.

Fear

I fear about everything. A glance from a stranger. A loading screen onto my Wells Fargo account statement. A call from my parents. A new email from work. A text message from a friend asking a favor. A glance at my class syllabus assignment due date. An unclean room. Undressing to get into the shower. My ipod on shuffle in a public place. Sitting as the walmart blood pressure machine measures my condition. Dressing myself for the day. Waking up in the morning to my new duties and responsibilties. A room of beautiful people. A glance from a professor. Applying for a new college. A public urinal. Walking past crowds of people as i stoll into a building. A luxury car passing as i walk down the street. Driving next to a semi truck. Answering questions. Political identifications. Sexual orientations. New emails. Reading news stories. Underprivledged children. A coming storm. My fathers gaze. My mothers thoughts. The Disease and the cure. Unorganized music. Lowercased file names. Unclean hands. Yellow teeth. Body oder. Unbrushed teeth. Smelly feet. Aching head. Magazines. Facebook profiles. Scholarship applications. Thinning hair. Getting fatter. New acne. Red eyes. Body disfiguration. Dreams. Nightmares. Expectations. Unattentive reading. Not understanding. Approaching deadlines. Dissapointment. Anxiety. Fast driving. Deep oceans. Gravity. A new baby. Snakes. Spiders. Rats. Flies. Bees. Misquitos. Stepping on snails. Electric shock. A year gone by. A promise unkept. Spent money. Clogging ateries. Newly digested deep fried food. People not met. A white blank page. A google results page. My size out of stock. Credit reports. Beautiful girls. Beautiful boys. Dance parties and shifty eyes. Social norms. Marraige. Millions suffering. Overconsumption. Vanity. Altruism. Lies. Death. Life. Lack of fulfillment. Successful people. College transcripts. The thoughts of those i respect or desire. Burning feul. White socks. Uncovered secrets. Habits and addictions. Darkness and light. Tasks. To do lists. A new desire. Holiday expectations. Buying a gift. Ignoring goals. Not knowing direction. Not being in control. A butterfly stomach. Rashes. Untrimmed fingernails. Large feet. Layers of fat. Eating dead animals. Not knowing much. Picking a song to play in the car. Working out around others. Doing sit ups while others are watching. No motivation. Graduation. Beaurocracy. Making art. Owning things. Losing things. No access. Under the control of others. Sad faced babies. Controlling parents. Parents with no control. Poisening my body. The consequences of white pills. Emotional rollercoasters. Fading motivation. Low battery cell phones. Having nothing to say. Wanting to say so much more. Blindly supporting evil. Ignorance. Vanity. Materialism. Feeling tired when rested. No desire. Feeling stuck. Being acted upon. Perfection.

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Confronting Vanity

There is something of the mind that insists life must play out according to expectations to be worthy of accomplishment. Wrong. Life is mostly out of out minute attempts at control. Life is mostly to be lived, not calculated and manipulated into some sort of synthetic reality that pleases false ideas and insecurities. My world seems to be dinstant from how I ideally want it. If only we were all more beautiful and affluent, we could be better. Vain desire. If only if i could control my every move. Unrealistic expectations.

I am unfullfilled. I do not live to my potential. I do not push myself academically, physically, or spiritually. I fear i am somehow stuck. I will forever numb my pain and insecurities with gluttany. Submitting to ignorance and riding in the exaust of hope and change, until I find myself chasing after nothing. I see things, and want to change them. Fat family and self; change into active and healthy people. Cheap food and immediate satisfaction, into self sustaining joy and self-control. Immature and uncaring friends into affluent well-traveled caregivers. I want a bubble, according to my perfections. A piece of plastic that provides me with all resources and experiences at my fingertips. I want to mingle among the rich and beautiful, and feel their love and acceptence. Make me feel worthy of the best. Burn the fat, give me muscle. Grow hair that falls flawlessly. A reusable canvas to change my outward expression any time i wish. Restore my vision and change my complection into that of a young child. Perfect. I want every gaze to fill my confidence like I am revered. I want to seduce the most elite and supreme. I do not want to settle. I want the latest technology and gadgets to show that i am the greatest. I want to place my self as worthy ro be among the greatest in the world. I want to never think twice about a purchase. I want to buy all my friends the world so they can see what a great person i am. The latest fashion, the most ritzy parties, and biggest events. Take my picture and see everythinh you've ever wanted, because i have it and you do not. You are not as perfect as me and that is your condition, you will not get here. You will be forever substandard to the life i lead. I know the latest news withon the hour. I can defend my moraluity as the upmost truth and right. Thousands look up to me and watch my every move, my every glance, and my every detail. I apologize but this is none of your. So stop reaching in you pathetic attempts. My life will always supercede yours to all means and to every end. I will be truly happy as vanity lifts mt soul to levels you can only dream of. So this is my goodbye, but as for you. . . You'll still be watching, wishing, and admiring- as always.

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BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MISTAKES OF THE PAST.

"Um, Believe In Yourself"

Great talk with Robert tonight after a equally as great meditation. From my thoughts shooting off in every direction- I found myself among the waters of the midnight sea being caressed by the moonlight. Something so at ease and deeply brilliant. The unseen of the waters beneath but an understanding of just how marvelous it must be. Then the storm. Of life, I mean. Live, Matthew, as if a big storm is on the horizon. The feeling you get, you know the one, that motivates you to action and humbles you to deeply evaluate your every move. For in all reality, the World has a storm to send your way in one way or another, and if not, be sure that innocent others are in the midst of the wildest winds. Trust what you know while maintaining a level of humility that can accept that your knowledge might change, but have no apology or regret. In the marvelous picture of life- there are thousands of crafted strokes that comprise something magnificent. Don't focus on an image you cannot see. Rather focus on the little things you do every day to make the picture more complete.

This is both enlightening and exciting.

This is the Adventure.

A White Blank Page

To me, represents how much there is to be said. How inadequately we truly know the human experience and it's conditions, anomalies, and tragedies. Often I feel my inadequacy in conveying anything in it's objective and not whole form is a representation of my innate inability and deficient quality of being. If only I could focus my attention on the sentence. Not the world, but the sentence. If only the world would conspire to manifest what it's trying to say in between the lines- an area that my words vanish into the immense perplexities of life.

If only?

Is this the . . . way to be?

Waste It On Fixing All The Problems That You've Made In Your Own Head.

A positive outlook. Excitement and interest in things. Listening to a song and appreciating it as it is. Not desiring after something else but rather calculating it's existence in some larger picture of things. Turns out, attitude and perspective can so surly determine your actions. This can be both revolutionary and crippling news. Which one is more productive? Where does one turn to ignorance? I line not easily distinguished. We must locate extremes to know the spectrum. When calculating a journey- you first determine where you are at now and where you wish to go. It isn't till you've been in both places and everywhere in between that you are enlightened. Go everywhere the mind wanders. Question everything. But know that at the end of the day, once pain and sorrow is appreicated- dwelling only manifests it's existence ten fold and it becomes apart of you- infecting your being under the rationale that you are being true. True you may be, but once one takes into consideration wisdom the entire picture changes. I'd like to think illuminated in shades of red.

Didn't I my dear?

Our Bodies Going Numb

As I painstakingly sit in the Harold B Library in Provo, Utah researching the labor market of the United States- something odd is pulling at my attention. A kid in the corner has been listening to Ke$ha's "We R Who We R" on repeat for over an hour. I used to like the song, but now I find no joy in it. I think it is pretty funny that we live lives with polar objectives. Seeking to discover knowledge, we immerse ourselves in very surface level media to balance out the pain of learning. It is so much easier to escape. To live a life of ignorance. Emotions that shock the brain could be felt only occasionally- not constantly and so pervasly invading my one's every thought. My motivation at this point is to simply finish. With barely any regard for quality, but rather for the end. I am walking into battle, and desire only for it to be over. One would hope that a greater perspective and level of control could be of guidance. Perhaps, but for me, it is nowhere to be found.