Setting sail. Thirty one hours to Idaho Falls.

Intro:
Murrieta to have dinner w/ moon / Gave me netbook / Leslie lets me borrow her ipod / Kim and Pete and Rhonda all offer me a jacket / Austin brings me his Iraq backpack for my trip / Go to Dianas and she gave me a pillow and blanket / Drive to Temecula to buy ticket / Greyhound closed / Nervous / Garret's house watch movie and hang out with his family / The same / Diabetes donuts / Home / Pack & Office w/ no sleep / Work the next day- sleeping on the floor / "he's a strange one" / The girls saying nice things / Claudia and Leslie pack my bag / Markie said I should have asked her for her help to pack / Say goodbye / Pete and Rhonda hug / Claudia buys me new comfy shoes (amazzzzing) / Get to San Diego and am told bus is sold out / bus to LA / writing essay for Vargas / Border patrol man pulls over bus and checks documents but doesn't ask me / LA / McDonalds / Kid from Louisiana - grunge and guitar traveling just to move / Vegas / Provo 34 y.o. kid tells me stories - about cats and his family / Not really hungry the whole day / Provo mountains / Thoughts the whole day about things / Mexican girl - escaping mom - hair school - SLC bus station / Sleep / My mind gets heavier- the things that I think I know are solidifying / Reading On The Road / Free thoughts / Lady boards in Pocatello with cats / Tip bus driver / Mom, Cody, Cathy pick me up / Home made dinner / Easton and Cassandra / Presents / Warm inside / Mom cried over ring / Cody will do great / goodnight.

You don't know.

I'm coming to the realization that you really don't know what anything is like until you're in it, around it, or have experienced it. I tend to have this impulse to tell myself that I know how something will turn out: based on assumptions, past experiences, my infinite wisdom, etc. But the reality of life it does not exist until you are in it. Yet I continue to tell myself otherwise. Learning to begin living in the present moment (where life actually takes place) vs. living in my mind; where things are twisted and morphed into something different will be a challenge- but a skill that the quality of my existence depends on.

I don't want him to let you go

I don't want to be a proud man, I just wanna be a man.
a little less like my father and more like my dad.

I want to want to hunt like David.
I want to kill me a giant man.
I want to slay my demons.
But I got lots of them, I got lots of them.

My Best Possible Future

The Best Possible Future.

I travel a ton.

I become very healthy, lose weight, and less concerned about my appearance (the parts I cannot change about it).

I meet a ton of different people and make a lot of valuable, unique, and great friendships.

I learn to let go of fear and peruse things i'm interested in.

I seek adventure.

I really learn what I stand for, who I am and what I have to offer to this world.

I find love (if only for a short time at first) and experience what it is like to enjoy another person.

I eventually have a partner.

I commit myself to great work that I feel is helping others directly and making the world a better place.

I break my negative thinking and resist impulses to give up, and cave into addiction.

I gain an objective understanding of things.

I get a grip on my philosophical beliefs.

I learn discipline, academically, and just a general commitment to grow everyday.

I learn what it truly means to be grateful.

I inspire others to be their greatest self.

I greatly reduce how much I procrastinate.

In my best possible future, I live life fully engaged, with a compassion for myself and others.

I just want to grow.

These are real thoughts

Update to previous post:

I don't want to do my homework until i've had a haircut.

Irrational

Irrational #1:

I don't like doing my homework until i've worked out. But when I get home from working out, I don't like doing my homework until i've gotten a full nights rest.

Jonah Mowry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRXjqpfOnS0;

This video has put things in perspective recently. I made my own video like Jonah's- but i've decided I don't want to focus on my fears but rather on the inspiration to stay strong like Jonah did. He has experienced great pain- that I relate too so closely. A pain that can often be debilitating. I want to have the courage to learn from this young boy.

The games are ending.

Searching for the motivation to push through my remaining commitments to school.

Philosophy made by Matthew & Allison

Humanity isn't designed to function individually.
You need happiness. Happiness is in a way ignorance. It's hope. (that's what you're missing). You need a blind faith in humanity and in yourself.
Things can work out.
Reality is not beautiful or perfect. In fact, reality sucks.
You need suck-iness to appreciate the good.
You need friends and family along the way to tell you you're acting/thinking stupid.

Task: write down a list about what you love about yourself, values, steps you're taken, your hopes...

Don't just sit and watch.

Hello

Just got off of a very agressive telephone conversation with Cassandra. She is pretty passionate about everything and not afraid to say anything that comes to her mind. I can definitely learn from her- seeing how i'm practically the opposite.

My class already loves you

Funny how I am my past- yet trying so desperately not to be. Allison came over tonight and interviewed me for a class project. Delving into my past reminds me how those experiences are all within arms reach. I'm glad I can be so honest and vulnerable with her. I need friends to make it through all of this- I always have.

Everyone in our lives is a mirror.

The refiner's fire.

Juice

Today begins my 60 day fast. Just drinking juice (the good kind). It's going to be harder than I can imagine- but it must be done for health. This is what I want! I must find the discipline, because in the words of Robert Francis . . . "if not now- when".

Simple Things

Janet called me today and asked me if I could pick up her daughter from work because she had her car towed. I told her absolutely. She said she would pay me $25 because I would have to go all the way down the 215 and back to Murrieta. I started to tell her that I wouldn't accept payment and she did the whole "no, I need to pay you". I replied "I know you would do anything for me If I called and asked you. When I need help I would want to feel comfortable calling you. We all need a little help sometimes." She was crying- saying she doesn't ask people for help ever". It was a special experience. I felt sympathy for a mother in a place of such vulnerability- i'm glad that I can be a person she could call and ask for help. It took a lot for her to do that, but I couldn't be more willing. We all need to learn to put those walls down- the ones that keep us from doing what we need to do.

People in our individualistic culture (including myself at times) feel they have to figure everything out for themselves- otherwise they are a failure. The truth is that we all need a little help, and we have to be there for each-other. It makes the world a better place, a more comfortable one, where fears don't penetrate our every thought.

This explains everything you need to know.

I get so caught up in "school". I get anxiety that my performance determines character, and my entire future success. Sounds silly- but God how true it is. I want my research paper to be a Greyhound bus and a camera- is it that crazy of a request.

We'll see.

Glimpse

It takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself warm.

A cold room

Tonight I looked at school with an honest eye instead of waiting for it to attack me like some sort of gnarly monster. It was an interesting feeling when my brain kicked in, realizing that I have been in control this whole time of this realatively simple task. My mind realizes that It is only in my hands that I can shape a relationship with my education. But I havn't been quite ready it seems. I've played around with the ideas that it has been fear of inadequecy- or perhaps I am just not very interested in being a hyper organized college student right now. I'd rather be out, in the winds of the storm, the homes of the poor, looking at the waves of the sea, walking somewhere-- not really knowing where... just absorbing, observing, existing, understanding the essence of all this shit (or perhaps beauty) I just know that no matter how much I analyze all of this (I do every waking thought) through the lense of everything, survivalism, economics, phycology, history, the eyes of my teachers, my parents, my managers, my peers, my siblines- desperately drowning for an answer to it all while also understanding that the answer isn't what I want. I am new everyday- which means my thoughts change everyday. It's quite the eeire feeling when I have the ability to compare my thoughts of today with my thoughts of yesterday. It connects me in a way that complicates everything. I look at the me of yesterday and see the blindness that has been slightly repaired. And after days and days of this I can logically assume that I am blind today, even though I won't recognize it tomorrow. Fuck. It truly is skin wrenching. But, what can I do? I must surrender to the essence of the everyday. With all it's distortions, inadequecies, and upsets. Because one day the vision will be so clear, and I imagine It would be a waste of time trying to be this God figure all the time-- I obviously am not.

Distorted Reflections

Starting today, November 3rd, I am making an effort to avoid looking into my reflection. I've realized that I relate my physical appearance to my self-efficacy much too closely, and to a fault. I cannot change my appearance except for keeping clean hygene, eating right, and excersising (which I plan to do). This is an attempt to get makes my identity more wholsome and based on things that actually matter!

Good luck boyy.

G

THE SHOES - WASTIN TIME from Yoann Lemoine on Vimeo.

Right here, right now

PencilHead from qwaqa on Vimeo.

America

The American Way. The people working hours a day into nothing that important. Unsatisfied customers and shutting off your cell phone service. Not being able to afford a birthday present for your son. Nachos while watching the baseball world series. Overeating, and fat dogs that make knarly noises. No one that can actually help you because they really care. Large trucks running on foreign oil and corporate greed. No one really wants to help anybody anymore. Here I am trying to shed all of this. We are falling, in a very real way. The little things make the decay apparent. Yet everyone seems so obvious, so devoted to the lie that's been built up all around them, with no way to every see beyond it. It's a problem.

Tangled

Best movie ever. Story of my life.

Holy shit.

Great

Something changed today. It has something to do with the weather. There was a signal last night with the sky, something so purple/orange was so beautiful. Today, a rainy day ending with an air so thick and clear, and a warm feeling sort of surrounding everything. Flashes of the holidays are coming this way. There is no longer a need to prove anything to anyone, simply a time to be safe, sit back, and enjoy. A sort of feeling of appreciation and bliss. I don't know if this is just me or everyone around me is feeling the exact same thing- I can't ever really know. But I love the heck out of all of this.

I forgot to mention Steve Jobs died today. He lived a beautiful and courageous life. He has been a great inspiration to me, and I have marvels my entire life at this accomplishments. His death is really full of life.

10/1/11

Spending time alone, I am realizing how dramatically my circumstances have changed, and how grateful I am for those changes, but my past never escapes me. I feel like i'm in a dream- nothing really makes too much sense, there are evident problems I don't fully understand, and there are forces controlling my behavior that I cannot see. I've see the types of people I admire. Creative, real, courageous, daring, simple, perserverant, educated, engaged, concerned- which I assume means that is the type of person I want to become- but nothing is really propelling me to become that person. It really just doesn't make sense. It's all a blur, but shimmers of light keep me at it. Let go.

I really do spend too much time on the computer.

I must say i'm happy. Being able to be so free. Enjoying a meal, getting ready for bed, putting on soothing music, with no knots of stress in my stomach. Working on improving my habits and behaviors. A future full of hope. No captivity to be accounted for. Just simple living in the moment. Utterly grateful I"m though trying to control and predict. Perfect, even in my imperfections.

Embrace this

I've learned i'm very uncomfortable with being so unsure of everything. Nervous to engage fully in life. I've been programmed for struggle, fear, and insecurity. I want like hell to break it. Because i've seen the beauty that shows itself when I do. It's beyond words. It makes so much sense, while making none at the same time. I need to get a better grip on the truth that I am new everyday. This will help me become who I know I must.

Always,
Matthew

Hello Amazing!

Something new.

The past few weeks have been filled with dramatic change in the landscape of my life. From a bike ride to Target, a macadamia nut Clif bar when I got hungary, and endless phone calls to my siblings and friends for advice on where to take my life. I didn't know much of what I was doing, but I was pretty anxious about everything. I didn't feel very comfortable where I was living, afraid of making a mistake. Nervous about college tuition costs at Western, and add on top of that a menial job and new found expenses pulling from my savings. Tie that in with years of past baggage that penetrates my every thought. All it took was a phone call from my dad to make me feel obligated to drive to California and help him with some business stuff. Being back home really heightened my anxiety and fears. It reminded me of how much I try to please them, and how different our visions of the world are- even though I wish to escape these feeling, it's something so learned. It took Patty telling me my dad was not going to sign my Western residency petition to realize that I had given them too much power to put a hold on my path to become me. I was passive at the time, but the anger began to build, and to this day I'm still so frustrated that they would be so unwilling to respect their child's agency, even as to intentionally block it. It felt so unfair. I wasn't asking them for much, yet I ran to them when they asked of my help for anything. It was a double standard that I didn't see, but was reminded of every evening as my thoughts told me I wasn't in control of anything. I hope to let go of this anger, because it serves me none. I don't have to prove myself to anyone. I need to gain more experience with that. Let's just say, now i'm in a much better place, with much more work ahead of me. I'm just grateful for people- who care about others unconditionally. Enough to give them safety, comfort, and a place to learn a grow. What a gift.

Serenity

Watch carefully. Gaze without judgement. See beauty, and love what is.

This is the path to enlightenment.

Just A Little Boy

It's not fear right now. It's conflict. It's being a part of something that doesn't blend with what I am. It's the things that are represented that I do not wish to devote my energies to. That is the hardest part. Putting my strentgth in something that only steals my strength in no regard for me, but for themselves. I need to focus on me. Shape a life that focuses on what works for me, which then can be dedicated to others. As for now, it seems as if survival is the only option.

But it's hard. It really is. I get so upset over intetions. About the means or the process. The result in the end of it all isn't that hard and it makes sense why they are seeking such outcomes. But to me it is not what- but how. A world of intention. Is it truly only fantasy?

Get rid of ideas for now Matthew. Clear your head. Trust in what you know. Act. Be. You will be amazing, but you must begin now. Slowly, piece by piece. Let the voice of your soul actually be heard by your concious. Don't cast it out as childish, underdeveloped and immature. Trust it. It is only in the colision of the mind and body and spirit that harmony and purpose is obtained. Listen. Keep Listening.

Fear

I fear about everything. A glance from a stranger. A loading screen onto my Wells Fargo account statement. A call from my parents. A new email from work. A text message from a friend asking a favor. A glance at my class syllabus assignment due date. An unclean room. Undressing to get into the shower. My ipod on shuffle in a public place. Sitting as the walmart blood pressure machine measures my condition. Dressing myself for the day. Waking up in the morning to my new duties and responsibilties. A room of beautiful people. A glance from a professor. Applying for a new college. A public urinal. Walking past crowds of people as i stoll into a building. A luxury car passing as i walk down the street. Driving next to a semi truck. Answering questions. Political identifications. Sexual orientations. New emails. Reading news stories. Underprivledged children. A coming storm. My fathers gaze. My mothers thoughts. The Disease and the cure. Unorganized music. Lowercased file names. Unclean hands. Yellow teeth. Body oder. Unbrushed teeth. Smelly feet. Aching head. Magazines. Facebook profiles. Scholarship applications. Thinning hair. Getting fatter. New acne. Red eyes. Body disfiguration. Dreams. Nightmares. Expectations. Unattentive reading. Not understanding. Approaching deadlines. Dissapointment. Anxiety. Fast driving. Deep oceans. Gravity. A new baby. Snakes. Spiders. Rats. Flies. Bees. Misquitos. Stepping on snails. Electric shock. A year gone by. A promise unkept. Spent money. Clogging ateries. Newly digested deep fried food. People not met. A white blank page. A google results page. My size out of stock. Credit reports. Beautiful girls. Beautiful boys. Dance parties and shifty eyes. Social norms. Marraige. Millions suffering. Overconsumption. Vanity. Altruism. Lies. Death. Life. Lack of fulfillment. Successful people. College transcripts. The thoughts of those i respect or desire. Burning feul. White socks. Uncovered secrets. Habits and addictions. Darkness and light. Tasks. To do lists. A new desire. Holiday expectations. Buying a gift. Ignoring goals. Not knowing direction. Not being in control. A butterfly stomach. Rashes. Untrimmed fingernails. Large feet. Layers of fat. Eating dead animals. Not knowing much. Picking a song to play in the car. Working out around others. Doing sit ups while others are watching. No motivation. Graduation. Beaurocracy. Making art. Owning things. Losing things. No access. Under the control of others. Sad faced babies. Controlling parents. Parents with no control. Poisening my body. The consequences of white pills. Emotional rollercoasters. Fading motivation. Low battery cell phones. Having nothing to say. Wanting to say so much more. Blindly supporting evil. Ignorance. Vanity. Materialism. Feeling tired when rested. No desire. Feeling stuck. Being acted upon. Perfection.

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Confronting Vanity

There is something of the mind that insists life must play out according to expectations to be worthy of accomplishment. Wrong. Life is mostly out of out minute attempts at control. Life is mostly to be lived, not calculated and manipulated into some sort of synthetic reality that pleases false ideas and insecurities. My world seems to be dinstant from how I ideally want it. If only we were all more beautiful and affluent, we could be better. Vain desire. If only if i could control my every move. Unrealistic expectations.

I am unfullfilled. I do not live to my potential. I do not push myself academically, physically, or spiritually. I fear i am somehow stuck. I will forever numb my pain and insecurities with gluttany. Submitting to ignorance and riding in the exaust of hope and change, until I find myself chasing after nothing. I see things, and want to change them. Fat family and self; change into active and healthy people. Cheap food and immediate satisfaction, into self sustaining joy and self-control. Immature and uncaring friends into affluent well-traveled caregivers. I want a bubble, according to my perfections. A piece of plastic that provides me with all resources and experiences at my fingertips. I want to mingle among the rich and beautiful, and feel their love and acceptence. Make me feel worthy of the best. Burn the fat, give me muscle. Grow hair that falls flawlessly. A reusable canvas to change my outward expression any time i wish. Restore my vision and change my complection into that of a young child. Perfect. I want every gaze to fill my confidence like I am revered. I want to seduce the most elite and supreme. I do not want to settle. I want the latest technology and gadgets to show that i am the greatest. I want to place my self as worthy ro be among the greatest in the world. I want to never think twice about a purchase. I want to buy all my friends the world so they can see what a great person i am. The latest fashion, the most ritzy parties, and biggest events. Take my picture and see everythinh you've ever wanted, because i have it and you do not. You are not as perfect as me and that is your condition, you will not get here. You will be forever substandard to the life i lead. I know the latest news withon the hour. I can defend my moraluity as the upmost truth and right. Thousands look up to me and watch my every move, my every glance, and my every detail. I apologize but this is none of your. So stop reaching in you pathetic attempts. My life will always supercede yours to all means and to every end. I will be truly happy as vanity lifts mt soul to levels you can only dream of. So this is my goodbye, but as for you. . . You'll still be watching, wishing, and admiring- as always.

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BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MISTAKES OF THE PAST.

"Um, Believe In Yourself"

Great talk with Robert tonight after a equally as great meditation. From my thoughts shooting off in every direction- I found myself among the waters of the midnight sea being caressed by the moonlight. Something so at ease and deeply brilliant. The unseen of the waters beneath but an understanding of just how marvelous it must be. Then the storm. Of life, I mean. Live, Matthew, as if a big storm is on the horizon. The feeling you get, you know the one, that motivates you to action and humbles you to deeply evaluate your every move. For in all reality, the World has a storm to send your way in one way or another, and if not, be sure that innocent others are in the midst of the wildest winds. Trust what you know while maintaining a level of humility that can accept that your knowledge might change, but have no apology or regret. In the marvelous picture of life- there are thousands of crafted strokes that comprise something magnificent. Don't focus on an image you cannot see. Rather focus on the little things you do every day to make the picture more complete.

This is both enlightening and exciting.

This is the Adventure.

A White Blank Page

To me, represents how much there is to be said. How inadequately we truly know the human experience and it's conditions, anomalies, and tragedies. Often I feel my inadequacy in conveying anything in it's objective and not whole form is a representation of my innate inability and deficient quality of being. If only I could focus my attention on the sentence. Not the world, but the sentence. If only the world would conspire to manifest what it's trying to say in between the lines- an area that my words vanish into the immense perplexities of life.

If only?

Is this the . . . way to be?

Waste It On Fixing All The Problems That You've Made In Your Own Head.

A positive outlook. Excitement and interest in things. Listening to a song and appreciating it as it is. Not desiring after something else but rather calculating it's existence in some larger picture of things. Turns out, attitude and perspective can so surly determine your actions. This can be both revolutionary and crippling news. Which one is more productive? Where does one turn to ignorance? I line not easily distinguished. We must locate extremes to know the spectrum. When calculating a journey- you first determine where you are at now and where you wish to go. It isn't till you've been in both places and everywhere in between that you are enlightened. Go everywhere the mind wanders. Question everything. But know that at the end of the day, once pain and sorrow is appreicated- dwelling only manifests it's existence ten fold and it becomes apart of you- infecting your being under the rationale that you are being true. True you may be, but once one takes into consideration wisdom the entire picture changes. I'd like to think illuminated in shades of red.

Didn't I my dear?

Our Bodies Going Numb

As I painstakingly sit in the Harold B Library in Provo, Utah researching the labor market of the United States- something odd is pulling at my attention. A kid in the corner has been listening to Ke$ha's "We R Who We R" on repeat for over an hour. I used to like the song, but now I find no joy in it. I think it is pretty funny that we live lives with polar objectives. Seeking to discover knowledge, we immerse ourselves in very surface level media to balance out the pain of learning. It is so much easier to escape. To live a life of ignorance. Emotions that shock the brain could be felt only occasionally- not constantly and so pervasly invading my one's every thought. My motivation at this point is to simply finish. With barely any regard for quality, but rather for the end. I am walking into battle, and desire only for it to be over. One would hope that a greater perspective and level of control could be of guidance. Perhaps, but for me, it is nowhere to be found.